The first time I appeared I made a grand entrance.
I had just finished eating a dinner that was a little under $400. I watched as he pulled out his American Express and rudely motioned for our waiter. His rudeness was brazen and abrupt, as usual, but tonight it was unsettling. If anything I had become immune to this type of behavior and his disdain for the working class. He looked up from his Rolex and smiled at me. It was genuine and endearing; polar opposite of the attitude towards the waiter that had preceded this one. For a moment I thought I could do it again; I could love and live life the way he wanted us to. Then I watched as he pulled a Harry Winston diamond ring from his pocket. That moment had slipped away and now, I saw depth in all those things of my former self. Throughout dinner I told him about my morning meditation on the beach, how working had made me more responsible, as well as spending less money and my volunteer work. He nodded as I spoke but I knew him so well. His lack of inquisitive probing and demure responses demonstrated that he had no interest. He was still self absorbed and my summer away had only made him more persistent in his selfish pursuits. He would play the role like an actor until the end of the script had been reached; he'd be out of character then.
As he reached for my hand he stated, “I’ve loved you for half a decade and for the next half I’d like to love you as my wife. Will you marry me?” Tears began to fall from my eyes. I cried because I knew I had to let go of something that at one point I had fought so hard to keep. This was a man who loved me deeply and his loyalty to me had never been broken. His love for me was never in question. But I did question if he could love me the way that I needed.
Three months in Los Angeles had stripped me of my narcissism and incessant quest for material possessions. One afternoon in late May, while laying on the beach, my friend had asked “Who are you? I need to know who I am beyond being privileged. What about you?” I shrugged as I reclined back and closed my eyes. I know I look great in my $500 Dolce&Gabbana swimsuit, I had thought to myself. I heard her sigh of exasperation at my lack of introspection. I laid in bed that night and decided that summer I, too would begin to discover who I was.
It was in this moment, there at the dinner table, that I realized I had been given an answer to my question. I had determined that I was not who I thought I was; who I had been pretending to be. Nor was I who he wanted me to be. With tears in my eyes I told him, “No. I won’t marry you and I will not get back with you. It’s over.” One of the most difficult moments of my life was perhaps the most freeing.
…Become yourselves
